It was a familiar scene: me, in my car, alone, under a freeway overpass. Mainlining sugar.
Maybe I was coming off a cleanse. Maybe I was following the diet du jour. Maybe I was just trying to be “good.” It always ended in the same way, though: me, in my car, alone, under a freeway overpass. It sure sounds like an addiction. And at the time, it sure felt like one. I’d go weeks without putting maple syrup in my coffee or taking a cookie from the pile at work or even having a piece of fruit, and then suddenly, I’d fall off the wagon. I’d end up in the dirt, wondering why I couldn’t control myself, loathing my habit.
Eventually, I started to wonder why sugar was such a problem for me. Why I couldn’t have breakfast cereal or granola bars or ice cream in the house without inhaling the contents in one sitting. Why I had begun to think of myself as an outright addict, someone who can’t have just one potato chip without ending up facedown and drooling in the bottom of the bag.
The culture of the time certainly supported my experience. From all sides I heard that sugar was “toxic,” that carbs were functionally unnecessary in the human body. Nearly everyone I knew eschewed sugar as an inherently addictive, destructive, fattening substance. We were all on and off the hamster wheel of “cleanses,” the modern-day version of the crash diet, trying to rid our bodies of sugar and train our minds to never ever want it again. The language we used with one another was the language of addiction. Sugar, it seemed clear, was the real culprit in modern disease, and we congratulated each other for knowing the truth.
And then one day, three days into another ultra-strict paleo “cleanse,” I just ... stopped. I took a hard look at my current position in the binge/restrict cycle and decided to do the more difficult thing: I accepted that instead of an addiction I had a disordered approach to food -- one that pushed me from veganism to paleo, from demonizing animal protein to avoiding carbohydrates, from restriction to bingeing, always looking for the next “toxic” thing I could remove from my diet -- and began the work of recovering. A born extremist, I nevertheless trained myself to be moderate.
Sugar addiction is a very controversial topic. The science is inconclusive, though if you wanted to find research to support your particular bias, there’s no shortage of it. To be healthy -- not only physically but psychologically -- I had to stop trolling PubMed for reasons to fear common foods and instead, trust that I’d reclaim the basic equilibrium of my body if I stopped imposing outside limitations. And eventually, after a lot of hard work, I did. I feel free now in a way I could not when I considered myself a slave and a victim of sugar and big food companies. I’m in control now. I decide. I haven’t found myself under a freeway overpass, hating myself and hurting myself, for 18 months.
Apple Tart in an Oat and Walnut Crust
Ingredients
Crust
- 1 cup rolled oats
- 1 cup walnuts
- 2 tablespoons jaggery
- ¼ teaspoon finely ground real salt
- 6 tablespoons butter melted
Topping
- 4 apples cored and sliced
- ⅓ cup grade B maple syrup
- ½ teaspoon ground ceylon cinnamon
- ¼ teaspoon grated nutmeg
- 3 tablespoons butter diced small
Instructions
- Preheat the oven to 350F. Grind the oats in a food processor or blender until a fine flour forms. Pour the oat flour into a bowl and add the walnuts to the processor. Process until finely ground (stop before it becomes walnut butter!). Add the walnut flour to the bowl. Stir in the brown sugar and salt, then add the melted butter. Mix until the butter is fully incorporated, then gather the crust into a ball. Using wet hands, press the crust into the bottom and up the sides of a 9-inch regular pie pan or tart pan. Bake for 10 minutes.
- Arrange the apples in concentric circles on the bottom of the baked crust. In a small bowl, whisk together the maple syrup, cinnamon, and nutmeg, then drizzle the spiced syrup all over the apples. Dot the top of the apples evenly with the butter.
- Bake the tart for 20 minutes. Test an apple for tenderness; if it isn’t easily pierced by a sharp knife, continue baking for another 5-10 minutes, until the apples are tender (but not falling apart). If the crust begins to burn, cover the edges with foil. Let stand for 10 minutes before slicing and serving. Top with a little freshly-whipped cream (or coconut whip) and enjoy!
Trinkit says
This was VERY easy and very good (except too sweet as written using Gala apples). I recommend it! I'll surely use this recipe again.
Gina says
Hello, I just found your site and am loving it! I was wondering what your feelings are on using alternative sugars like Coconut Sugar?
Jenny says
I don't care for coconut sugar (other than traditional palm sugar found in patties in Asian markets) as it has a funny aftertaste to me, but there's nothing fundamentally wrong with it, just a personal preference.
StayC says
Just made this. So easy and incredible flavor. I ran out of cinnamon and all I had was Chinese Five Star, which really melded quite well with this dessert; otherwise, I followed the recipe exactly. Thanks for this recipe. It's awesome.
Diane says
Thank you for sharing and your recipe! I'm wondering if it's necessary to soak the oats before preparing the crust? How would this be done? Or will processing break the gluten and bran to remove the need for soaking? I'd love to understand "when to soak grains-when not to". I've seen that high extracted flours are fine to use without soaking/sprouting/souring…thanks for the help!
Kailani says
Very inspirational. Thank you for sharing this story with us. I baked your delicious apple tart to celebrate the Winter Solstice. It was delicious, unfortunately however my digestion could not handle the crust. Even after soaking and denydrating the walnuts, it was still too much for my system to handle. But that leaves more tart for the hubby to enjoy.
Becki says
Organic Jaggery? WOW! How cool is that? This recipe looks absolutely delicious and scrumptious and everything wholesome. I can ABSOLUTELY relate to the bingeing on a bag of Australian licorice every 39 days - hmmmm - sounds hormonal to me! Thank you for a great post! Love.
Elizabeth says
Thank you for sharing your story...and yummy recipe!
Ellie says
p.s. I made your apricot,jalepeno,baconzingers for a party last night and they were fantastic! Thanks so much for all of your amazing work. I truly love your site.
Ellie says
Thanks for the article! I totally get where you're coming from and I'd like to add my two cents to the conversation here. As a holistic nutritionist that runs paleo health reset programs I have to play devil's advocate. I myself struggled for decades with disordered eating too. My food issues started as a young kid. I would sneak candy, cookies, chips, ice cream and I ate peanut butter and corn syrup by the bowl. A lot of the people I work with that had that sort of eating behaviour as a kid grew up in a household where sugar and treats were restricted, but that wasn't the case for me. We had goodies in the house, and the rest of my family ate them fairly normally, but it was different for me. I had serious cravings that were never satisfied. I could eat and eat sugar until it was completely gone and still want more. In high school I fell into fighting with my weight; bingeing on chocolate bars, falling into a spiral of guilt and starting a new "diet" almost every Monday. The driving force to become a holistic nutritionist was this food issue that impacted my weight, my skin, my mental health and my happiness. Learning about food didn't help my disordered eating, in fact it made it worse. I too, did cleanses and healing diets, was vegetarian for year, gave up dairy, wheat and tried my best to stay off sugar, but I had very similar experiences to yours where I would be "good" for days on end, only to have it all fall apart on the weekend.
I battled with all of it from the time I was 9 until I was in my late thirties. Until I found something called the Emotional Freedom Technique and started working on the roots of my food addiction. For me, and millions of others like me, there is no moderate approach to sugar. It does something to my brain that made me crave more and more of it, or at least it did. The research on sugar addiction being as powerful as a cocaine addiction certainly feels true in my case. And now I realize that my paternal grandmother and aunt had the same affliction, so I've come to hypothesize that there is something genetic about a sugar addiction.
The way I've changed my relationship with food over the years took a lot of deep work on pain I carried from the time I was a small child, that really had nothing to do with food. Once I cleared those things up, the cycle of dieting and deprivation ended. that's not to say that sugar doesn't still call to me, and I could still eat WAY more of it than would support my health on a regular basis, especially if I'm emotionally triggered. I can now easily eat 80-90% modified paleo (with weston a. price influence) and I can have a cookie without wanting to eat a dozen. Eating whole foods that balance my brain chemistry and having a stress-management protocol is certainly an important part of that as well.
I consider the health and psychological benefits of removing foods that are preventing people from feeling optimally well is a healthy form of extremism. I argue for healthy, short-term extremism quite regularly because I've seen the benefits of doing something very rigidly for a period of time to build positive qualities or to reach a goal...for example, if you're a writer and you have a deadline you need to write every day, possibly for 12-16 hours a day in order to achieve the greatness of a finished book. If you're an olympic athlete you need to train in an extreme fashion, for hours every day and sacrifice other areas of life for a while. By the same token, when I take clients through a 40 day "extreme" paleo health reset they get feedback from their body and mind that enriches their life and deepens their health. Nagging health problems disappear, we heal the gut lining, or at least start to, their moods improve, their sleep improves, their cravings for sugar either disappear (if they don't have deep psychological drivers or physiological addictions) or they get an open door into their own emotional attachments to food.....and then I teach them how to heal those with EFT. I totally agree that a paleo-cleanse or any other "diet" that's not looking at the big picture and the long-term goal of lifestyle change is going to fail. Those approaches just set people up for deprivation and bingeing. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell my clients to go ahead and eat whatever they want even it it's going to create inflammation, intestinal permeability or throw off their methylation for example. In MANY cases, we simply HAVE to avoid certain foods to let the body heal or to maintain health and sugar is one of those foods. So, I'm not a fan of the "everything in moderation" mantra. In my opinion moderation with diet can lead to poor health and if we want to be the healthiest, strongest, most fulfilled people we can be I think a little strategically-applied extremism is warranted. The difference lies in whether or not we're addressing the emotional drivers of the deprivation and the effects of restriction.
StayC says
Could not agree more. Sometimes you have to push yourself close to an edge to get an edge and to gain an understanding of your attachments, strengths and weaknesses with such things, and to find your own personal center.
Vittoria says
Beautiful little piece. Thanks for sharing. Something everyone needs to stop and think about.
Karen Wood says
I'm a candy and potato chip addict. They taste so good but then make me feel physically bad after I've binged on them. My only defense is to only grocery shop once a month so if I buy any I only get it until it's gone. A lot of times I have the self control not to buy it. I know variety and moderation is the key and I know I crave what I eat. If I go without for a while I stop craving it. It would be easier to not start again if I didn't see it in the grocery store.
Linda says
I fought the same battles I'm reading about here. When I began going to AlAnon, which had ZERO to do with what I was pushing into my face, my food battle kind of piddled out. One day I realized I'd been the same weight for months, and hadn't even thought to weigh myself. My wine consumption only spikes when things get weird with the hubs, and I feel healthier than I have in decades. I forget to beat myself up over exercise, and I forget to troll the kitchen for little things to gobble.
What's different? Recovery from the crap that comes from an alcoholic family and being an adult child of an alcoholic father. Getting some peace and quiet between my ears for a change. And the choices I make, food-wise, seem so NORMAL and regular and non-obsessive, so far as I've even noticed. I mean, I am a health food weirdo anyway - limited processed junk, no factory-farmed meat, but I'm no longer sipping heavy cream from the carton, or covering fresh homemade bread with too much butter and honey. I don't think my food problem was much more than anxious dissatisfaction inside me from pain and unresolved doo-doo.
AND I can't wait to put together one of these lovely apple tarts! And eat as much of it as I feel like (not what I'm obsessed with needing) without beating myself up. Thank you for that.
Ava says
I'd like to know how you reached that place of balance. You dropped in the idea, "And eventually, after a lot of hard work, I did. I feel free now in a way I could not when I considered myself a slave and a victim of sugar and big food companies. I’m in control now. I decide. I haven’t found myself under a freeway overpass, hating myself and hurting myself, for 18 months." and then left us to fill in the holes. Would you elaborate? Thanks.
Chandelle says
Hi Ava, I'm just a guest-poster for Nourished Kitchen so I don't want to monopolize the site with my story. I will just say that I began by removing all restrictions from my diet until I no longer fought to retain control over my eating, then I slowly established a lifestyle that works for my particular heath needs, one that is free of restriction, bingeing, or other disruptive behaviors. I have a few posts on my site that talk about this, if you're interested.
http://www.seedandfeather.com/2014/08/10/how-i-stopped-being-addicted-to-nachos/
http://www.seedandfeather.com/2013/12/18/on-how-to-stop-sugar-cravings/
seedandfeather.com/2014/01/21/on-going-gluten-free-without-losing-my-mind/
http://www.seedandfeather.com/2014/04/09/five-minutes-a-day/
Kim says
I have a question, do you think you could use quinoa flakes instead of rolled oats? I have a gluten allergy, I know that there are gluten free rolled oats available but I still have to be very careful with consuming these and the quantity of these. I am not sure if a pie would be too much.....
Chandelle says
Hi Kim, I think quinoa flakes would work just fine, just watch the amount of butter since quinoa might be more or less absorbent.
Sarah says
I love this article. I am a Nutritionist and all too often hear my clients describe real food as toxic for some reason (sugar, gluten caffeine, oxalic acid, nightshades, heavy metals whatever). one day I realized it was not only clients who were talking about the bad things in food, but also my colleagues. A few months ago, I decided to take a completely different approach and I ONLY talk about the good things in real foods. I bring up the potentially challenging issues ONLY if they are a problem for someone and then it is all about avoiding these foodws for a short period of time in order to get back into balance. I have found that the positive mood this acceptance of foods and only looking for the positive things in foods has made a tremendous difference in my own level of stress as well as the level of stress in my clients and students. And stress alleviation goes a log way towards being able to help our bodies better digest the foods we eat.
Andrea says
I love this comment - and the original post itself.
I know a ton of nutritionists and your comment about colleagues talking about the bag things in food reminded me that I was once told that a high number of nutrition students develop eating disorders and unhealthy habits and attitudes towards food during nutrition school because they learn things and use themselves as guinea pigs. They want to try everything they've learned about. And yes, a positive mind set and limiting stress benefits the digestive system and the immune system, much of which resides in the digestive system.
Chandelle's statement "Sugar addiction is a very controversial topic. The science is inconclusive, though if you wanted to find research to support your particular bias, there’s no shortage of it. " is very true and applies to more than just sugar. Replace "sugar" in that sentence with "gluten" or "grains" or "legumes" (anti-nutrients and all).
There is no one-size-fits-all diet. People need to get the information but then listen to their own body and apply the knowledge if it's relevant to them.
Andrea says
I feel the need to clarify my comment: I do think that sugar isn't healthy but our thoughts hugely influence our health, and 'confirmation bias' is very real.
Paula says
Ditto!
Ann says
No, unfortunately it's not just for a period of time until the body is back in balance. I do not have celiac's, yet I am gluten intolerant. I have gone through dietary restriction, gut healing protocols, and taken all the gut healing supplements, and then a slow, careful re-introduction. I can now eat gluten a couple of times per month, but more than that and I suffer from bloating, weight gain, depression, anxiety, and food cravings that I cannot control. Take the gluten away, and it all comes back together for me. For some of us, the gut healing and balance are simply not the issue. Clearly, for many of us, things like gluten and dairy are inflammatory foods, whether we have a true allergy or autoimmune condition or not. Wishful thinking does not make this a fantasy for us.
While I agree that obsessive thinking and behavior is a problem, I don't agree that eliminating unhealthy and inflammatory foods is. As nutrition experts, you should be teaching people to listen to their bodies and not choose the path of "mind over matter" when foods don't agree with us. That's simply irresponsible and crazy. Being in the nutrition field you must realize that people usually eliminate foods that make them ill - believe me, no one WANTS to give up bread, or cake, or ice cream. We do it because those foods make us ill. Suggesting that we simply "decide" those things are okay for ourselves is certainly bad advice-
Jody says
I don't know if you've heard or if it's worth noting, but wheat products from Europe don't usually affect people like wheat products from North America (for various speculative reasons). I've experienced it since living here. Perhaps you can look for imported products and see if it doesn't help or eliminate any discomfort. 🙂
Paula says
Sarah, I know your original comment was some months back, but just wanted to say how refreshing it is to hear a nutritionist speak in this manner. Too many nutritionists are all to hasty to jump on the latest band wagon (currently the high fat low carb diet appears to be the new 'it'?!), promoting the new fad to all and sundry regardless of whether it is a good fit for that person, while shunning foods that have been consumed and generally tolerated for generations. I wish there were more nutritionists like you that had such a balanced and gentle approach to food.
Janet Haagensen says
Thank you for the lovely healthy recipe. There is no doubt sugar is addictive, I have seen pictures of how the brain lights up on eating a favorite sweet thing- in just the same way as when people take heroin. I really felt for the way you described the conflict. Mt son (28) and I were saying how difficult it is to stop at eating one biscuit, one chocolate and in the workplace there is a constant supply of sweet things to eat and all around there are overweight men and women.
Sarah Smith says
Yes to giving up the guilty mindset about sugar! I wrote about my experience with sugar deprivation, which led to my young daughter starting to hoard, and how I am now finding a balance instead of being addicted to obsessing about it. http://nourishedandnurtured.blogspot.com/2014/03/is-sugar-really-so-bad.html
Chandelle says
This is wonderful, thank you for sharing!
Nan Deardorff-McClain says
Such a wise piece. Acknowledging the extremism really helps to dissipate it.
Diane says
I am one of those that must live gluten free and this looks like a wonderful way to have my "cake" and eat it too. Whole food that appears to have some balance. Thankyou
Joshua Hampton says
I kind of know how you feel. I have a sweet tooth, and sometimes the craving for sweets seems uncontrollable. But I've learned to stop hating myself for it. I embraced the sweet tooth but try my best not to overindulge. Sometimes I fail, but oh well.
Alanna Kellogg says
A great story of a life / food passage ...
PS The recipe could use a little proofing, missing ingredients, missing links etc